My GPS lady hates me and wants me to die

Hey y'all! Do y'all have a GPS on your car? GPS is the abbreviation for Global Positioning System. I'm sure y'all already know that. I have very smart friends.  Many cars come standard with GPS now and if your vehicle wasn't lucky enough to have this wonder of modern navigation factory installed then you can run on down to your local Best Mart or Wal-Buy and pick one up for around five bucks. Well maybe not a fiver but they are way more affordable than they were back in "olden times" about 6 or 7 years ago.  Boy people do love their navigation devices. Some folks even give theirs a little nickname. My Grandpa calls his "Gar-main" and my friend's Mother-in-law refers to hers as "Ma'am". That's pretty cute. "Gar-main" brought me right here. No detours or anything." "Oh sure I can find it. I'll just put in the address and Ma'am will tell me where to go". I've named mine too. I affectionately call her "my GPS Lady Hates Me and Wants Me to Die".  

You know it's not just my current GPS it's all of them. My first experience with this modern marvel was about 4 or 5 years ago. My husband traveled every week with work. He had a new rental car every week. Me being an incrediblyawesomethoughtfulsuperwife  purchased him a cool little GPS. It was so compact and cute and came with it's own little carrying case. He who claimed to know how to get anywhere any way without a map or directions or compass or anything really took to this GPS thingy.  So when I was planning a trip to meet my BFFsincesecondgrade in New Orleans for a much needed Mommy weekend he enthusiastically took the GPS out of its cute little case *zip* stuck the little suction cup to the windshield "pop" and plugged the cord into the cigarette lighter (I don't know what sound that made. In olden times it made a "ssssssss" sound as your friend lit her Marlboro Light and then promptly burned the seat of your '85 Ford Tempo). So there I was headed South ready for a weekend of good food, wine, conversation and rest. It was around seven pm when I exited off I-10.  Oh did I mention my husband had his GPS lady programmed to speak in a British accent? She sounded very very proper as she instructed me to "carry on the motorway" and "enter the round about".  Ha Ha very funny Ben Mathis. So I exited off I-10 but it didn't look right.  This GPS lady had me driving near the Superdome. I should have known something was up because there were barricades everywhere and cops blowing whistles and yelling at everyone and by "everyone" I mean me. Well whaddaya know there's a Hornets basketball game that night and I am trying to wind myself around the Superdome right at kick off... err I mean "tip off" (sorry y'all I don't watch a lot of basketball). So the very angry police man is yelling at little old me and this electronic British lady won't shut her mouth for one dang second. The very large, intimidating  police officer is yelling at me to "move your vehicle NOW'! I guess I had stopped right in the middle of the crosswalk as my very proper and evil GPS was ordering me to "enter the round about". 

 I finally unplugged the lady and thought back to olden times and how I knew if I kept driving and passed "O'Henry's" where I left my purse in 1994 then I would drive around Lee Circle and end up on St. Charles where I would pass the Avenue Hotel where Ben and I stayed on our first trip to New Orleans, then I could get to Canal. If I got to Canal I would pass Palace Cafe' which is the first "fancy" restaurant Ben took me to. From Canal I could find the street I was looking for. I just knew it.  Guess what? I did find it and all without the help of the evil electronic British lady.  I was shaking as I handed my keys to the valet.  I burst into tears just as my BFFsincesecondgrade met me on the curb with open arms and the promise of cocktails and fine New Orleans cuisine. When I arrived home to Shreveport  rested, full, and with maybe just the tiniest hangover I gave my husband his precious GPS and told him "your GPS lady hates me and wants me to die".

We took a cab here

Fast forward a few years and a new "Mommy Vehicle" this thing is tricked out. DVD for the kids, heated seats, remote AC, power door lift thingy, and a Global Positioning System.  "OK fine" I think. "I'll give it another shot". I mean surely technology has come a long way in the few years since I tried to drive my vehicle through the Superdome. We were living in Scottsdale, Az. at the time. Scottsdale is beautiful and clean and nice and orderly. Imagine my surprise when my new GPS successfully led me to the fancy schmancy mall! I got the kids out of the car just long enough to cash in my Gymbucks at Gymboree and got back in the car prepared to be home by 5:00 to start supper. Well wouldn't you know it? My GPS lady hates me and wants me to die. Instead of putting me on the 101 headed back home. I ended up in the opposite direction. About thirty miles in the opposite direction. The scenery changed a bit. In place of cactus and beautiful agave there were billboards for "the Adult Castle" and all you can eat buffets and casinos. We actually drove by that "castle". Thankfully Kenley couldn't read yet and exclaimed "Look Mommy a castle! I wonder which Princess lives there" I was tempted to reply oh Princess "Destiny" or "Tawny" or "Mercedes"....at that point it was nearly 6:00 pm and my palms were so sweaty I was afraid I would lose my grip on the steering wheel. I was going to pull over, but I was not sure of the area or where I was exactly and quite frankly I was afraid that some drug kingpin was going to kidnap us and hold me and my children for ransom. What can I say? I had never lived anywhere but Louisiana and all I knew about Arizona up until our move I had learned from Dateline. I pull over to call Ben and get back on the 101 going East. Finally I'm home. The kids have fallen asleep and I have burned about $75 in gas just to save a couple of bucks on leggings and onesies.

Sleeping Booty's Castle

There were many other instances where that GPS lady led me astray but the worst thing she ever did to me was just the other day. She made me miss my baby's first soccer practice. I put the address of the park in the GPS. I had a general idea of where I was going but my GPS lady directed me a different way. She had me winding through a neighborhood. Ooops dead end. Ooops some body's driveway. Oooops ditch.  I know by now my GPS lady hates me and wants me to die so I think I'll pull over and call Ben.  No answer. He is probably on his way to the soccer field from work with his British lady telling him exactly where to go.  I imagine they're all chatty talking about tea and crumpets and such. So I find my way to the main road and think I can figure out how to get to the field. Nope. I ended up on the interstate about 20 miles from where I needed to be. Also it started raining. I try to console myself "Well at least practice will probably be canceled". Eighteen wheelers are passing me at about 90 mph....in the rain. I am white knuckling it to the Slidell exit. Finally I get turned around. The kids are fast asleep and Nate couldn't care less about missing his practice. Me on the other hand? I'm a wreck. I feel stupid and terrible and irresponsible and like theworstmommyinthewholeentireworld. Ben arrives home and is flabbergasted "You ended up where? I don't understand. The park is five miles from our house"! I explain..."It's simple. My GPS lady hates me and wants me to die".

This morning Nate had his first soccer game.  My baby was the tiniest player on the field but boy did he hustle!  I was so proud of him. He has practice Wednesday.  I'm leaving the house an hour early.